So, I am back writing blogs again.
It helped me when I was in a bad state years ago and I think... I hope this is going to help me through this again.
It is not like there isn't days where I am remotely okay, or at least decent enough to be functioning. The past two days since the incident I was doing okay, got on the chats with Lee and John to play some New World. (Oh hey, woah new names, look at me, socializing and not being a weirdo) But today was extra hard and I feel like writing and restarting a blog might be a better choice than, well, planning my suicide.
Where do I start, in order to sort out this mess in my head... Let's start with the whole ordeal last last Sunday.
I have a bunch of issues, both physically and mentally and honestly the very fact that I am still alive and typing this is a god damn miracle. One of these issues were apparently Abandonment.
A decade ago, when the things that mattered to a preteen were kind of simple. School, parents... friends. I did not have any friends, and I knew that for a fact. At 26 now, it honestly does not bother me if I had no one, it just make taking my life a lot easier. But back when I was 12, that was literally a life goal. If you had no friends, you were a loser and all that kind of bullshit actually do get driven deep into the very core of your living when you were that young. I knew I never fit in anywhere. Born a girl but behaved like a boy. Couldn't fit in with the girls, because the discussion topics were boring as shit. Couldn't fit in with the boys because the topics I do not understand even though I was interested. So, there I was stuck in a limbo, hovering between having girl friends and boy friends and ended up with none.
Here comes... Let's name her something else eh, let's name her Watermelon. Because, that was like a code name for talking shit about a person we don't like back then. I don't even recall how our friendship begin, but I certainly remembered now how it ended.
Did I mentioned I didn't have friends? My class then, was weirdly close. So close in fact we took over a few tables at the canteen during recess periods. It was different from other classes and for the first time in my life I was proud to be part of something. Except, I wasn't. I was only allowed to join the class because, I was already in the class and that I was already friends with Watermelon.
I was excited, to have a friend. She was my first friend and I was ready to give everything I can to her (At the age of 12). I invited her to my house to have dinner all the time, first of my "friends" that I can bring home because my parents were strict as fuck. On days she cannot come over, we will call on the phone and talked for hours until it was curfew to go to bed.
There was one day that we were suppose to get on the call, but I might have forgotten or I was doing something with my parents, I cannot remember the details, but I did not call her. She refused all sorts of apology and I knew I have lost her as a friend. I didn't think it was going to be bad, because at that point what I know was not having friends and being basically invisible. I was use to that, I was okay with that.
Then came the relentless bullying. Everything about me was targeted and things were bad, and without going into any detail that was when my first break down happened. I was shattered. I was okay to be left alone, people pretended I didn't exist all the time. What I wasn't okay with was being targeted, almost the whole school eventually found out and with how bad things went, it only got worse.
Bullying happened on daily basis, and this stretched on for all the way to Secondary 2. I was okay eventually after meeting Juliana and the second group I had was a lot more positive. Secondary 2 hits, more stuff happened, which included on my very close cousin passing due to cancer. I wasn't allowed to cry. Yeah, allowed. (My extended family was another group of shit show, so we can leave that for later.)
Then when I hit age 16, my grandma passed away. I was working so much at that point that honestly I didn't have time to spend with her. We were very close before her passing.
That day was possibly the worst day of my life.
I joint a family dinner that was meant to celebrate my 2nd Uncle's birthday. I fell asleep mid meal and crash my face into the food I was eating. I was promptly told off and sent home. That night, my dad called me telling me Grandma is sick and if I wanted to go downstairs to see her (She lived on the 6th floor and I lived on the 10th) and I rejected saying I was too tired but I was really playing games. Next thing I knew was my other cousin coming to pick me up to go to the hospital because my grandma had been rushed to the emergency. Things happened really really quickly after that. Doctor told us my grandma had a ruptured vessel in her stomach, and they did all they can. My mother looked me in the eye and told me that she did not want me anymore and proceed to attempt suicide in front of me, while my uncles and aunties holding her down.
I'll never forget that look. Her face and her determination to leave me. Everything else now becomes a blur over the next few days, though I was again told that I am not allowed to cry. This was the break where I closed myself up. Decided that crying was an acceptable behavior and I don't think I have ever learnt to cry after that.
I do not remember how it exactly happened, when my brain decided that the best thing for me right then, was to bottled up and sealed everything. I remember going for an attempt at my life by trying to drown myself, followed by sleeping for days on end without even getting up for long enough for food or water. By the time, I actually woke up and be functional, I can no longer remember what happened other than a longing ache for my grandma who I knew had passed. This blockage included the whole of my secondary school life, all the bullying, to the extend where I need to re-learn who are the extended family members that my brain have promptly blocked off as well.
So back to the week before the incident, I overworked myself. There was an audit that meant everything to the hotel's business. We would not be able to survive if we fail that audit.
And boy did I push. I wasn't eating (I did try, but when I am that stressed, I'll puke anything I eat), I was working hideous hours, averaging to about 16 hours per shift. And by the time the week ends, and the audit, we passed, I was on the verge of sending myself to the hospital because I was that ill. I didn't account to that because I was that ill, my mental health will not be ready for anything that might happened when I was on a normal state of mind, I would have been okay.
I do not want to plot down when actually did happened, because 1, I do not blame the guy, 2, I was crashing anyway and even if he didn't do what he did, anything else could have been the trigger.
I went to bed as usual that day but was plagued with a lot of nightmares. This wasn't something new. But I heard voices which never happen, voices of those people that bullied me when I was preteen.
When I woke up, my first instinct was to verify that all that nightmare was real, and wasn't something my brain decided to made up again. I asked my mother if I did have a friend called Watermelon and what was our relationship like. Mum said, yes I did have a friend called Watermelon and refused to tell me what was the relationship we had. Her refusal to answer made it clear that what happened in my nightmare was real.
That was when it came back... Every single fucking memory. Came back in a rush and I was stuck between reliving the memories and watching myself be in the memory from a third angle. I wanted so bad to go and hug that 12 year old and tell her that I will be okay later, and protect her. Mean ass words from everyone came and clouded everything. Laughters that was directed at me, hurtful action, things they did, how I was targeted. I couldn't even looked at myself after in the mirror and my pictures that was on my social media disgusted me. I ripped everything off the walls that had my face on it, and everything on my social media that had my face on it was also deleted. I almost stabbed myself in the face and decided that was not the way I wanted to go.
That Monday, I went to work and pretended everything is okay. And everything was okay, because at that point I had decided, I was going to end it, and I didn't care who was going to get hurt. I called Yong for a meet up that night to say goodbye. I planned my CPF nomination and lied to Quan and Peiqiao Jie to sign for my witnesses. I have done every single research on how I can do it. I planned the day and planned down to the details to whose letters I need to write, who I need to give my things to and how I would do it.
Tuesday morning, I chickened out. Not because I wasn't brave enough to die, but I wasn't brave enough to acknowledge the fact how much it is going to destroy the friends I have now. Yong, Quan, Connor, Xiah, Marie, Christian. I know for a fact that pain doesn't die with the person that died, it gets passed on to the rest. And these, these are good people that deserves everything nice the world has to offer and no pain.
That was when I started to fight, I am failing, but I am still fighting. Score is now tally on 9 Lost vs 2 Wins. But every hour I survive this, is every hour I won...
